I Want More August 8, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change, Gay, Gay Christian, gay spirituality.Tags: Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Religion, Spirituality
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Do you ever get to a point in your life where you feel like you’re walking through a wilderness – arid and lifeless?
This morning as I meditated I prayed these words: “In the wilderness God sustained them; God shielded them and cared for them, guarding them with a loving eye.” (Deuteronomy 32)
I was suddenly reminded that whatever my wilderness, I will be sustained – if I do the things I need to stay connected to the Source.
Sometimes when I look at gay culture and its emphasis on body beautiful, youth, fashion, clubs etc. I sometimes think of it as a wilderness. Are there others who live in this culture and wonder if there is something more? Of course, part of the reason for this wilderness is that we have been forced into the desert by a segment of society and religion that casts us aside. And we have been left to find a way ourselves. And at times, when I am not well connected and centered, I find myself sucked into this surface wilderness.
I am reminded that, whatever our wilderness is, we can be sustained, shielded and guarded with a loving eye. For me, this means doing what I need to stay connected to the Source and gathering with others who seek a deeper way.
Raising What Was Left For Dead July 18, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Believe, Change.Tags: 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Religion, Salvation, Sin, Spirituality
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Have you ever felt absolutely, utterly lifeless? Have your choices ever left you wandering in a valley of despair and regret? Have life circumstances, broken relationships or betrayal ever left you paralyzed and with a sense of utter hopelessness for the future? Has an addiction ever held you so tightly within its prison walls that you felt no means of escape?
In such times it is difficult to believe in the reality of any Power that could lift us beyond what seems like a living grave. . . . Yet, that is our hope and, frankly, that IS our reality. There IS a Power that can lift us up. If I look back on my life experience I see clearly how this Power has raised me to new life on various occasions; and I need to call on this Source again. Traditional religious language would call this “salvation.”
I try to do it all myself. Or rather, I get so caught up in paralysis that I do NOTHING. But once I am able to call upon this Power and DO SOMETHING that will help connect me to It (like prayer, meditation, reading a meditation, etc.) – EVEN IF I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT AND DON’T FEEL A BIT CONNECTED IN THE PROCESS – once I do this Something begins to lift me.
Today as I meditated, I chanted a hymn from the Camaldolese Morning Prayer. The words of the first verse struck me:
“God’s glory, Christ, our new dawned Day,
In deep compassion for our earth
Has raised what we had left for dead,
And healed what sin* had brought to birth.”
*Read here “weakness, addiction, sickness, brokenness, betrayal, poor choices, etc.”
The Power is there to raise what we had left for dead.
Change – A Door (We Want to Aviod) April 27, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change.Tags: Bible, Catholicism, Change, Christianity, Gay, gay spirituality, GLBT, Personal Growth, Queer, Relationships, Religion, Self Help, Spirituality
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Acts 6: 8-15
“We’ve heard that Jesus will destroy this place and change the customs which Moses handed on to us.”
These people felt threatened! They didn’t want the system to change. When we feel threatened, when life begins to shift for whatever reason we will go to any length to keep things the way they are. The folks in Jesus’ day resorted to murder – Jesus’ murder and that of many of his followers. We have a tendency to want to silence the prophets even in our own day.
We don’t like change. But we have a choice. In some situations, we don’t have to change. Someone may be forcing a change on us against our will that is unhealthy. In such a situation we have the perfect right to refuse to change. However, many situations of change might be good for us and those we love – but we go kicking and screaming! In such situations, can I see change as an opportunity instead of a dark, negative place?
A few years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I loved him very much and I went kicking and screaming into this breakup. I didn’t want it. However, as my Momma used to say: “hindsight is 20/20!” Looking back, that break up was needed. That very difficult change in my life threw me into a tailspin – yet opened doors and places within me that were closed while I was with him. Something seemingly negative became the doorway to new life.
Are you in the midst of a change in your life? Can we see the silver lining in the cloud and the positive things that just might unfold as a result of it?
The Truth Will Set You Free April 1, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Change, Truth.Tags: 12 Steps, AA, Bible, Catholicism, Christianity, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Lent, Personal Growth, Personal Improvement, Relationships
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“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8: 31).
Did you ever try to run from the truth? Have you, or are you hiding something from your partner? Have you ever, or are you now living in denial about some negative behavior in your life?
OR
Have you ever, or are you now not acknowledging the truth of your goodness, what you have to offer to others, the gift that you are?
We spend tremendous amounts of energy hiding from the truth. No wonder we’re so tired out at times. Once we acknowledge the truth, it’s like a heavy weight is lifted from our shoulders and we begin to know what it is to walk through life with a bit of a lilt in our step.
For years I hid the truth of who I was. I hid it from others and I hid it from myself. I lived in a prison of fear and struggle, fighting these feelings I had for those of my own sex. After all, if I was “one of those” I was told I was headed to hell! I will always remember the spring day when I first uttered those words out loud: “I am gay.” I was shaking. I was so frightened; . . . and yet exhilarated at the same time as I felt myself being freed. And you know what? After I said it, the world didn’t come to an end. As a matter of fact it felt like a two ton weight was lifted off of me. The truth set me free.
Perhaps there is a truth within that you are struggling to acknowledge. It might be a negative behavior that you’re hiding, or it might be realizing and acknowledging your giftedness. Perhaps it might be good to sit and feel the weight, the pressure, all the energy that you’re spending hiding that truth. Do you really want to live this way? The first step to living more fully is acknowledging the truth. In A.A. they say: “We ADMITTED we were powerless over alcohol.” It is the admission, the acknowledgement that is the first step to freedom. The truth will set us free!
Cleaning House March 15, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change, Lent.Tags: 12 Steps, AA, Bible, Catholicism, Christianity, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Melody Beattie, Religion, Spirituality, Third Sunday of Lent
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Don’t ya just love it when the house is all clean and everything is in place? I love the feeling that I get after I have spent some time cleaning and organizing things around the house or the office. It evokes a feeling of being centered and at peace. Some say that the state of one’s home is a reflection of their inner state. I tend to think that’s true, at least of me.
Sometimes we’ve got to clean house. And sometimes we’re forced into cleaning house.
At one time, Jesus cleaned house in a major way. He was quite PO’d at the way people had cluttered the Temple with things that hindered people’s connection with the Divine. He angrily drove out the merchants and money changers.
Sometimes we need to clear out interior clutter, behaviors that get in the way of our connection with God and one another. Sometimes we need to literally clean out the temple that is our body by removing toxic substances that can harm our health. Sometimes we need to “clear the air” in our relationships, take time to talk through issues so that we can begin to dance in step together again.
Sometimes we are forced into cleaning house. Life circumstances come upon us like a fire and we are forced to look within, to begin again. As I prayed yesterday morning, I read a meditation by Melody Beattie in her book of daily meditations entitled More Language of Letting Go. In this meditation she described the wildfires that yearly scorch parts of the earth. She described a particular fire one year that threatened some archeological sites in Colorado. They were able to contain the fire and save the sites, and, as a result of the undergrowth in another area being burned off, they discovered twelve other sites. She went on to say that sometimes Life throws a fire at us, but those fires have the possibility of pointing us in new directions and taking us to places of growth that otherwise we would not have imagined (see p.87-88). Wildfires are the very things that burn off the clutter of undergrowth and encourage new growth.
Is there some house cleaning that you need to do? Do it. It will lead to good things.
Transfigured Possibility March 8, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change.Tags: Catholicism, Christianity, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Growth, Personal Improvement, Religion, Self Help, Spirituality, Transfiguration
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Do you like the person that you are?
I think most of us would answer yes to that question, in some ways; and no, in others. All of us have things about ourselves that we’d like to change. Some of us have huge things that we’d like to change.
Do you believe that change is possible?
The good news is, it is! Probably the biggest thing that works against us actually changing is not believing that it can be done. All of us have been there. Again, I look back to my experience as a smoker. When I smoked, I really was concerned about my health and in that sense, even though I really liked to smoke, I wanted to quit. But I simply could NOT imagine myself going through a day without smoking. For me, it was a matter of beginning to visual myself as free, breathing in fresh air, not coughing . . . and getting excited about it.
I see three steps to transfiguration:
1. Imagine yourself changed. Imagine what your life will be like for you without this thing or behavior weighing you down. . . .and get excited about it!
2. Call on a Power greater than yourself to give you the power that you feel you don’t have to change.
3. Do what YOU can to cooperate with this Power. Change a routine, get a meditation book, take a walk, meditate, have some fun – whatever helps in even slightly shifting your normal routine.
Probably the most important thing that I need to remember is this: Don’t stop trying! Not matter how many times I may fail, get up and keep trying again. Each day is a new day and holds out the possibility of transfiguration!
You Want to Live? March 4, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Addiction, Change, Happiness, Lent.Tags: AA, Addiction, Bible, Catholicism, Change, Christianity, Church, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, GLBT, Lent, Personal Growth, Queer, Religion, Spirituality, Twelve Steps
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Jonah 3: 1-10
If someone told you that if you didn’t stop doing something you would soon be dead, would you stop doing that thing which is destroying you? I think most of us, if given the chance would indeed stop and choose to live! Jonah called out to the people, telling them that if they didn’t change they would soon be dead; and the people quickly turned from their death dealing ways and chose life.
Most of the time, we don’t have a Jonah though. We don’t have someone telling us to stop some negative pattern of behavior so that we might experience the best Life has to offer. Or if we do, we take their call to us as a personal affront, instead of seeing it as a gesture of love and concern for our well being. Most of the time we go about our negative habits or patterns of thinking or behavior totally denying how they are affecting us and those around us.
Don’t you want to really live? Don’t you want to get out there and drink life in?
When we’re caught in some bad habit, some negative pattern it literally sucks the life out of us, doesn’t it? Think about some negative thinking you might have, some negative behavior, some ingrained bad habit. Doesn’t it sap the life out of you, not to mention those around you?
I believe that God wants us to live, wants us to drink life in and get rid of those things that hold us from doing just that. Lent then really isn’t about gloom and doom. It’s about rising from the graves that we’ve built for ourselves. It’s about naming the lie that this or that behavior is going to make me feel better; when in reality it’s sucking the life out of me! It’s about letting go of that which has kept us mired in winter’s lifelessness. It’s about taking some small step away from something which is killing us or those around us and stepping into a new springtime of living!
Naked and in the Groove March 2, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Addiction, Change, Lent, Personal Growth.Tags: Catholicism, Change, Christianity, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Lent, Love, Personal Growth, Queer, Relationships, Religion, Spirituality
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I recently heard a talk in which the speaker described an animal that had been born in a zoo. After some years they built a multi-million dollar display, simulating the natural habitat for the animal, thinking that it would create a better, happier space for the animal. When it was released into its new space, much to their surprise, it stayed to one small area. It only walked the same path over and over, creating a rut in the ground, which got deeper as time went on. The animal had all this beautiful space, but it stayed in that one little rut and didn’t roam elsewhere! The speaker went on to say: aren’t we like that sometimes? We get in a rut, doing and thinking the same things over and over – missing so much of what could be if we just got out of the rut.
If you’ve read my last couple of meditations, you’ll know that I spoke of Lent as an opportunity to “get naked” to remove the “cloak” that holds us from being more present to life, to others and to God. When we, with the help of a Power greater than ourselves, remove whatever that is and stand naked in life, present, alive and aware – we get outa the rut and into the groove!
Suddenly, we begin to live again! Suddenly we look around and see so much of life around us. We slowly crawl out of that rut and begin, perhaps fearfully at first, to wander out into the beauty that we have been missing. All that beauty, all those people, all those possibilities suddenly open up before us – because we have had the courage to name that which keeps us all bound up, because we have had the courage to call on a Power greater than ourselves to free us.
Have you named the cloak that you need to remove, the cloak that keeps you separated from life, from others and from God? Have you called on a Higher Power to help you, trusting that the help WILL come? Is the cloak beginning to fall away?
Are you getting out of the rut, and into the groove?
Getting Naked Yet? February 28, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Addiction, Change.Tags: Addiction, Catholicism, Change, Christianity, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Lent, Negative Thinking, Personal Growth, Positive Thinking, Religion, Self Improvement, Spirituality
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So, . . . how’s it goin? You getting naked yet? Beginning to take off that cloak which separates you from God and others? Have you identified what it is? You could have several cloaks actually. Don’t get too ambitious. Just try taking off one. If you’re like me, I know the cloak that I need to remove. It’s glaringly obvious to me. But I begin to reach for the snap that will remove it; and suddenly I get frightened. What is life going to like without this cloak? I’ve worn it for such a long time! What will I say, how will I act without this cloak? What’s it going to be like to be naked? O my God, I can’t even believe that I’m thinking about removing this from my life and getting naked!
I remember when I was trying to quit smoking some years ago, I could NOT imagine what my life would be without cigarettes. How could I possibly enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning WITHOUT a cigarette? How could I possibly talk on the phone without a cigarette? How could I work, have a relaxing evening, clean, work on a project at home (the list goes on), WITHOUT having a cigarette??? It truly seemed unimaginable to me at the time. Now, I look back and say to myself, “what was I thinking??” The truth is, it’s glorious to have coffee in the morning WITHOUT a cigarette. It’s great working, relaxing, walking, talking with friends, WITHOUT a cigarette. It’s so freeing and I feel so much better.
Why then is it so difficult for me to envision my life without the cloak that I wear now? If we have been freed before, why is it difficult to imagine our life without lethargy and exercising? Why is it so difficult to imagine our life eating the right foods that will give us energy? Why is it so hard to imagine our life without so much internet, TV, without a negative attitude, more attentive to the needs of others?
Perhaps that’s the key. Imagination. Thinking. Envisioning. Can I begin to think in a new and exciting way about what life would be like without this cloak; instead of concentrating so negatively on what it would be like? Because the truth is this: Our lives will be IMMEASURABLY better WITHOUT this negative pattern of behavior! Perhaps that’s where we need to keep the focus of our thoughts.
God help me to imagine myself without this cloak that weighs me down! Help me to envision myself naked, happy and free!
Get Naked! February 25, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change, Lent, Personal Growth.Tags: Catholicism, Change, Christianity, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Lent, Personal Growth, Queer, Relationships, Religion, Spirituality
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I recently heard a wonderful conference in which the speaker used the example of the blind man Bartimaeus (Mark 10: 46-52) who cries out to Jesus “I want to see!” Two things that the presenter said about this story struck me that have bearing on my living and on the season of Lent.
First, notice that in the story many people tell Bartimaeus to be quiet! They try to shut him up! They don’t like what he’s saying. After all, according to the prevalent thought of the day, Bartimaeus would have been considered a “sinner,” an outsider, a nobody – someone to shun and avoid. He certainly would have held no status in the religious establishment. Notice what Bartimaeus does after being told to shut up. He speaks even louder!
Sometimes the institution, be it church, society, political, the workplace, family or friends – sometimes the institution tries to shut people up. Like Bartimaeus though, I pray for the courage to only speak louder! Notice too that Jesus does not shun Bartimaeus. If anything he ignores the people telling Bartimaeus to shut up, but looks with compassion upon Bartimaeus.
Secondly, notice what Bartimaeus does when Jesus calls him over. He removes his cloak and runs to Jesus – buck naked!! He removes anything which would hold him from being fully present to Jesus and to others.
This Lent, what “cloak” do I need to remove? What is it that keeps me from being fully present to God and others? It could be a variety of things from an addiction, to a negative attitude, to fear, a poor self image, self centeredness, etc. What needs to be removed so that I can be more fully alive and present to Life and others? In what way do I need to get naked?
