First Things First April 21, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Anxiety, Contemplative Value, Spiritual "Practice".Tags: 12 Step Work, AA, Bible, Centering, Christianity, Detachment, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Meditation, Prayer, Religion, Spirituality
3 comments
Can you relate to this?
Why is it that when I hit a stressful time in life, the very things – like meditation and exercise – that would help relieve stress, are the very first things to get bumped from the daily routine? It’s like something within me says, “there’s no time for this!” And so, I begin to shave these things from my daily routine. Then over time, I wonder why I am getting more stressed, having difficulty sleeping and focusing!
In reality, these are the most important things NOT to bump from the schedule in the midst of a difficult time. They are the very life-blood that keeps me grounded. Without them, all else begins to suffer – my work, my relationships, even my play time!
I lay awake last night, once again, feeling the pent up energy in my body and my restless spirit as my mind whirled. I have not exercised in a while. No wonder I am having difficulty sleeping. So much pent up energy! I have not really given myself to meditation in a while. No wonder I have difficulty focusing!
The irony is this: when I bump meditation and exercise from the schedule, it seems I don’t have enough time. When I take the time to meditate and exercise, it seems as if I have much more time on my hands, time even to play!
First things first. What are the REALLY important things that I need to maintain in order to live well, even in the midst of a stressful time?
Call Me Mary! October 7, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Balance, Contemplative Value.Tags: Balance, Contemplation, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Martha and Mary, Religion, Spirituality
add a comment
“Mary has chosen the better portion and she shall not be deprived of it.”
See Luke 10: 38-42
In a world that canonizes the “Martha’s” of the world, those who go, go, go and work, work, work, I am so grateful for this story – because I’m definitely a “Mary.” The society in which we live canonizes work. The more we can produce, the better. The more we can get out of an employee for the least amount of pay, the better.
There are Mary’s and there are Martha’s in the world. I have some friends who are Martha’s. They are the movers and shakers, the ones who get things done. Not that I don’t get anything done, but I envy the energy that I see in these people and have always felt a bit of guilt because I don’t seem to have that same energy. I am however passionate, a dreamer, one who, I’ve been told, has a way of inspiring and moving people. It is only when I am rooted in my inner “Mary” that this passion thrives. When I run all over like Martha, with many worries and concerns, the passion within me freezes, gets paralyzed.
I am so grateful for the Martha’s in my life. And I think the Martha’s in my life are grateful for the Mary in me. A balance between the two is probably optimum in living life well.
And, as an aside, what a great thing for Jesus to get all those men pissed off by allowing Mary, A WOMAN, to sit in the company of men and listen to the teacher! This is the real clincher of the story. Women were indeed deprived of learning and were not to be in the company of men. We only need watch the movie “Yentl” to get a sense of what that was like. Jesus, here, as in many places, takes the assumed religious/cultural understanding and turns in upside down! You go boy!
Waste Any Time Lately? October 1, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Balance, Contemplative Value.Tags: Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Meditation, Prayer, Productivity, Relationships, Religion, Spirituality
2 comments
Yesterday I spoke of the benefit of religious/spiritual experience and the gratitude I hold in my heart for this gift. Today I am encouraged to keep at it, to keep doing those things that I need to do to stay centered.
“Whoever puts their hand to the plow and keeps looking back (i.e, keeps getting distracted, or in the mind) is unfit for the reign of God (i.e., cannot experience the power of God).” See Luke 9: 57-62
The importance of sticking with my practice, that which keeps me centered, has become obvious to me over the past couple of weeks when I’ve been without electricity and very busy with work. Actually, the past couple of months I’ve been without a “Sabbath” day, a time of rest, reading, reflection, prayer. Life has been filled with responding to various needs, people and work situations, which have placed my normal weekly Sabbath on the back burner. As a result, I have not felt as centered and have begun to rely on my own power instead of that which can carry me through my days.
This experience again reminds me of the importance of building into our lives some “Sabbath” time. Far from being a waste of time, it can produce within us an energy that can make us much more productive than if we kept running here and there. I know for myself, without some Sabbath time that keeps me centered in my spiritual practice, I don’t produce good work. When I take this waste of time, my work is given passion, energy and comes alive.
If, like me, your spiritual practice has been placed on the back burner due to busyness, demands of partners, children, work or the like, perhaps it’s time to “put your hand to the plow” as it were and take even a little “Sabbath” time. In so doing, we will discover a Power within that can do much more in us than we could by ourselves.
The Benefit of Religious Faith/Spirituality September 30, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Contemplative Value, Hope, Personal Growth, Religion, Spirituality.Tags: 12 Steps, Belief, Enlightenment, Faith, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Gay Spirituaity, Man's Search for Meaning, Meaning, Religion, Spiritual Path, Spirituality, Viktor Frankl
add a comment
A while back I said that I was interested in reading Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, as I was fascinated to find out how this man was able to find meaning in the midst of one of the most degrading, dehumanizing and cruel situations a person could endure in a Nazi concentration camp. I did go and pick up the book and am now just some 40 pages in. Last night as I was reading I was struck by his vivid, inside description of what it was like to live inside those camps day to day, week to week, year to year. It makes anything that I endure pale in comparison!
I was particularly struck by what he said about those who had some religious faith or sense of spirituality. They ultimately were able to endure much better, for they were able to go to a place inside themselves which nothing or no one could take from them. This is what he says about such people:
“In spite of the all enforced physical and mental primitiveness of life in the concentration camp, it was possible for spiritual life to deepen. Sensitive people who were used to a rich intellectual life may have suffered much pain (they were often of a delicate constitution), but the damage to their inner selves was much less. They were able to retreat from their terrible surroundings to a life of inner riches and spiritual freedom. Only in this way can one explain the apparent paradox that some prisoners of less hardy make-up often seemed to survive camp life better than did those of a robust nature.” (Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, Beacon Press, Boston, 1959, 1962, 1984, 2006 p.36).
As I read this last night I was so grateful, despite its many faults, for my religious upbringing. It gave me a sense of hope, a place “of inner riches and spiritual freedom” to retreat to in the midst of difficult times. As a boy growing up in an alcoholic war zone of a home, because of the stories of faith that were instilled in me, that boy had someplace to go in the midst of his hell – and that place saved his life! And it continues to bless me in ways that I am unaware.
Perhaps today we could be grateful for a sense of Spirit that we have which gives us this place of “inner riches and spiritual freedom,” despite painful circumstances in our lives. It provides for us a way of dealing with these circumstances and rising above them and not collapsing under their weight. The seeking of a spiritual path, whatever it may be, indeed does make a concrete difference in our lives and, through us, the lives of those around us! It’s worth the time and effort we put into it.
Heavenly Sex – On My Back, Wide Open August 11, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Contemplative Value, Sex and Spirituality.Tags: Contemplation, Gay, GLBT, Queer, Religion, Sex, Silence, Spirituality
add a comment
“‘Go out and stand on the mountain; God will be passing by.’
A strong wind came and crushed rocks, but God was not in the wind.
After that there was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake there was a fire, but God was not in the fire.
After the fire there was a tiny whisper – complete silence – and then Elijah, knowing that it was God, went and stood at the mouth of the cave.” See 1Kings 19: 9, 11-13
As I get older, there is no question in my mind that it is in the silence that I am most completely myself! It is in silence that I feel most energized and connected. I not only feel connected with the Divine, but I feel most intimately connected with those that I love when I am in silence. When I have gone away to enter the silence, while meditating or at night, looking up at the stars, I would feel a mystical and very intimate connection with those who were thousands of miles away from me. Is it only me, or is there great intimacy to be found in the silence?
I suppose we’re all different and find our intimate connections, both human and Divine in various ways. For me, the silence becomes the place which is most intimate, most energizing. There is a pregnancy that I feel in the silence – limitless possibility. When I am there I feel like I am making love. I am no longer separate, but connected at the deepest places within myself, with creation, the Divine and those I love. For two or three hours at a stretch I just sit, doing nothing but looking at the ocean, the mountains and the stars, and in those moments I feel the cells of my body vibrating in intimate unity with the Universe. I am completely open and give myself over to this Love without fear. I allow myself to be freely and fully penetrated. And in the rhythm of our love making I feel his strength and his gentleness as he fills me.
Yet I am not spent in this love making, I am not diminished. I walk away renewed, energized with life, pregnant with tomorrow’s possibility.
Electric Silence August 9, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Contemplative Value.Tags: Add new tag, Balance, Gay, GLBT, Personal Growth, Queer, Religion, Self Help, Silence, Spirituality
add a comment
I write this meditation at the airport after having spent a few days in Big Sur CA for retreat. Initially I was assaulted by the silence of Big Sur. Now I find myself assaulted by the frenzy of traffic, sound and multitudes going every which way, . . . and doing it as fast as possible. And to think we call this “civilization?”
I wrote before that we are lulled into a semi-catatonic state in the noise and activity that is daily life for most of us. After entering the silence again, I am made aware of the quality of life that ensues as a result. When we enter the silence our internal senses are more clearly tuned so that when we do listen to a piece of music or watch a movie or encounter someone, we experience these in a deeper way. The silence provides a framework or space around which sensory input via sound and sight gain greater brilliance. It’s ironic that in the frenzy of daily life we instinctively begin to look for things which will excite and thrill us. In actuality we’re looking to escape the lulled state of consciousness in which we live. Silence is the only way to tune our inner and outer senses again. When we do so we will find that our activity and relating will take on a clarity that move us beyond the lulled catatonic state with which we‘ve become accustomed, to a way of living that is awakened to the sights, sounds and people around us!
Like the Spring of a Watch: Balance August 8, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Balance, Contemplative Value.Tags: Balance, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Personal Growth, Queer, Religion, Self Help, Spirituality
add a comment
Some years ago while on a 30 day retreat, the man who directed me in that retreat asked me to do some painting; just random painting, whatever came to me. One of the works that I produced was a simple spiral in dark blue. When I showed him the work, he asked if the movement of the spiral was outward or inward. I said, at the time, that is was outward.
Yesterday, while talking with a friend of mine who is a monk, I spoke of this same circle and something different struck me. I told him that the movement of the spiral was both inward and outward; and that the outward movement was dependent on the inward movement. Any outward work, music, writing, public speaking, socializing and loving that I do is based in and dependent on the inward movement. In other words, the heart of all that I do is based on the contemplative movement inward. That’s why I resonate with the archetype of monk in the world. The spiral then has become an inward and outward dynamic, like the spring of an old watch, that keeps me moving forward. It is the balanced energy of the spring moving inward and outward that keeps the watch running. If there is too much inward movement, the spring is in danger of getting too tightly wound, collapsing in on itself and stunting further growth and dynamism. If the spring is too outwardly directed, energy is dispersed aimlessly outward and the spring is in danger of getting sprung, becoming useless.
The essence of who I am is defined in the inward movement. The outward movement then becomes a manifestation of the centered point within. Without it, I am lifeless and lack forward movement! Is your spring well balanced?
Silence – Try It and See What Happens! August 5, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Balance, Contemplative Value.Tags: Balance, Catholicism, Christianity, Monk, Personal Growth, Religion, Retreat, Self Help, Spirituality
add a comment
We have no idea how frenzied we are!
I write this the first morning of a time of retreat in Big Sur, California at The Hermitage. When I arrived last night I was talking to one of the monks and said that I am always initially “assaulted” by the silence here. He was struck by the word “assaulted.” But that indeed is what it feels like!
In our day to day living it’s as if we are lulled into this frenzy of noise and activity that we don’t even notice over time. It’s like a drug that keeps us numb to the deeper reality of Life and the awesome power it has to offer. We walk through life like robots, going here and there, running; and for some reason, we get to a point where we’re afraid of the silence. It feels uncomfortable. We need some noise, the radio or TV in the background, the flash of images on the internet, the rush of activity in the city or within our own homes. We NEED it, like an addict who feels like they need a drug to function in life, without which they would fall apart. And when the radios, TV’s, internet, the rush of our daily life and even the day to day phone calls to family and friends that we feel we can’t live without – when these are taken away, our senses are “assaulted” by the silence. Something within us feels betrayed – like an addict who has his drug taken away.
Ah, . . . But if we give ourselves to the silence, if even for a few moments, let alone a time apart from the norm of our living, we will there discover a stream of energy and vision that the barrage of incessant activity could never quite accomplish. Ironic hugh? It is the no-thingness of silence that gives energy and purpose to our activity. Without it, we’re like hamsters on a running wheel, . . . going nowhere fast.
Try some silence today and watch how it energizes your living!
In the Desert I Will Speak to Your Heart July 7, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Contemplative Value.Tags: Contemplation, Desert, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Religion, Retreat, Spirituality
1 comment so far
Hosea 2: 16, 17-18, 21-22
“I will allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart.”
For centuries the desert has been a place of spiritual renewal, metaphorically and in reality. It is an oft used image of spiritual writers of various traditions through the centuries, pointing to a place where one faces oneself, battles ones demons and where one emerges transformed. Francis of Assisi, when he was young and becoming disillusioned with the direction of his life would often go to “lonely places,” caves in the mountains of Assisi. He struggled, meditated, prayed. One day he came out of the cave and his biographer said that it was as if one person went in and another came out. He was transformed and focused. Certainly any of us who have come out in life have experienced such a transformation. Any who have dealt with an addictive pattern in their lives have experienced such transformation.
The desert is a space that we all need in life. We go about our days, one after another, running here and there, caught in the same behaviors, the same emotions, the same patterns and sometimes it seems as if we hit a wall, waking up one day wondering who we are, who the person we live with is and where we are going in life. We all need a desert where we can retreat, evaluate and reenergize.
A little daily desert, a time of meditation or silence is a good thing to build into our routine. If I do not take this “waste of time” my energy gets dissipated all over the place. I am not centered and focused and my life seems to lack direction. Besides a daily desert, it’s also good if we take time at least once a year where we get away to a place that takes us outside of our daily routines and concerns, where we can think, rest, pray and refocus. Such a time has been extremely beneficial to me. Monasteries, hermitages and Retreat Centers are great places to take such time.
If you are feeling heavy and burdened, or simply listless and out of focus, perhaps it might be a good time to plan a time of retreat where you can be lured into the desert and the love story that is your life can be given renewed energy!
