I Want More August 8, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Change, Gay, Gay Christian, gay spirituality.Tags: Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Religion, Spirituality
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Do you ever get to a point in your life where you feel like you’re walking through a wilderness – arid and lifeless?
This morning as I meditated I prayed these words: “In the wilderness God sustained them; God shielded them and cared for them, guarding them with a loving eye.” (Deuteronomy 32)
I was suddenly reminded that whatever my wilderness, I will be sustained – if I do the things I need to stay connected to the Source.
Sometimes when I look at gay culture and its emphasis on body beautiful, youth, fashion, clubs etc. I sometimes think of it as a wilderness. Are there others who live in this culture and wonder if there is something more? Of course, part of the reason for this wilderness is that we have been forced into the desert by a segment of society and religion that casts us aside. And we have been left to find a way ourselves. And at times, when I am not well connected and centered, I find myself sucked into this surface wilderness.
I am reminded that, whatever our wilderness is, we can be sustained, shielded and guarded with a loving eye. For me, this means doing what I need to stay connected to the Source and gathering with others who seek a deeper way.
Raising What Was Left For Dead July 18, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Believe, Change.Tags: 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Religion, Salvation, Sin, Spirituality
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Have you ever felt absolutely, utterly lifeless? Have your choices ever left you wandering in a valley of despair and regret? Have life circumstances, broken relationships or betrayal ever left you paralyzed and with a sense of utter hopelessness for the future? Has an addiction ever held you so tightly within its prison walls that you felt no means of escape?
In such times it is difficult to believe in the reality of any Power that could lift us beyond what seems like a living grave. . . . Yet, that is our hope and, frankly, that IS our reality. There IS a Power that can lift us up. If I look back on my life experience I see clearly how this Power has raised me to new life on various occasions; and I need to call on this Source again. Traditional religious language would call this “salvation.”
I try to do it all myself. Or rather, I get so caught up in paralysis that I do NOTHING. But once I am able to call upon this Power and DO SOMETHING that will help connect me to It (like prayer, meditation, reading a meditation, etc.) – EVEN IF I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT AND DON’T FEEL A BIT CONNECTED IN THE PROCESS – once I do this Something begins to lift me.
Today as I meditated, I chanted a hymn from the Camaldolese Morning Prayer. The words of the first verse struck me:
“God’s glory, Christ, our new dawned Day,
In deep compassion for our earth
Has raised what we had left for dead,
And healed what sin* had brought to birth.”
*Read here “weakness, addiction, sickness, brokenness, betrayal, poor choices, etc.”
The Power is there to raise what we had left for dead.
Higher Power – What A Gift! May 1, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Anxiety, Bible, Christianity, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Hope, Psalm 139, Religion, Spirituality
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I find myself of late so very grateful for my belief in a Higher Power – and that Power’s ability to do what I cannot, even changing negative circumstance into a dance! I simply do not know what I would do if I didn’t have this still point to go to in the midst of great uncertainty and difficulty. It becomes life breath to me. To have a vision of hope, even amidst great uncertainty is such a gift! To believe that unexpectedly good things can come of life’s brokenness is a gift beyond price.
I don’t understand why some things happen. If I had the power to turn back the hands of time and change some things I would – but I do not have that power. However, I do believe that there is a Power that can draw straight lines with the crookedness that befalls us. This is God’s laugh in the face of darkness. “Even night is not dark for you and the night is as clear as day” (Psalm 139). Can I believe that darkness is not dark, and that unexpected light and goodness can overcome whatever seeming darkness may befall me?
Paralyzed February 21, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in One Step At A Time, Personal Growth, Take Action!.Tags: Christianity, Depression, Fear, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Homiletics, Queer, Spirituality
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Mark 2: 1-12
Did you ever feel paralyzed, emotionally, physically or spiritually?
Sometimes life is like that. We get stuck. Moving forward seems impossible. I have recently been in one of those paralyzed seasons of life. Can I believe that the same Power that set free, healed and raised to new life can, even now, do the same?
When I am paralyzed I am without energy. However, I must put one foot in front of another and keep moving. I may not “feel” like it, but I must keep moving. Oftentimes we may not “feel” like doing something, but there is Power in just taking one small step to do it anyway. Love is that way sometimes isn’t it? Work is that way. Life is that way. We may not feel like doing this or that; but it’s important to do it anyway. And in the taking of one small step, there can be contained a Power that lifts and heals and raises to new life. Sometimes it’s just a matter of moving, just taking a step.
What paralyzes you today? What keeps you from moving, from taking a step?
Sometimes fear keeps us from risking a step in life. We fear the unknown and so settle for a lifeless sense of comfort. Yet sometimes we are beckoned to take one step, just take a step, just one risk and see where the path might lead. We may find ourselves freed from the paralysis of our comfortable, secure life and born into an adventure that promises no security, but gives birth to a lived life.
Take a step today!
Winter’s Secret January 19, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Encouragement, Hope.Tags: Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Hibernation, Religion, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Spirituality, Winter
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Humans must be among the very few creatures who do not slow down in the Winter. We keep running about, full speed ahead, even though the cold and the darkness beckon our bodies to rest. For some, Winter creates an emotional hibernation, a depression which leaves them without much energy.
Whether our Winter leaves us physically tired or emotionally drained, it’s important to remember that Winter’s silence, Winter’s stillness holds a secret. If an alien came to our planet in the middle of a land’s Winter season, would they have any idea that the seemingly dead branches, the frozen plants and brown grass would, in a short while, burst into life?
In the dead of Winter, sometimes we feel as if the lethargy of our bodies or spirits will be without end. In such a time, we need to look to Spring, realizing that what seems dead, what seems lifeless will burst into life again. Sometimes this very thought is enough to reverse a downward emotional trend.
I think of the line in the famous song “The Rose,” sung by Bette Midler some years back:
“When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long; and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong. . . . Just remember, in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed, that with the sun’s love, in the Spring, becomes . . . the rose.”
Nothing To Live For January 14, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Christianity, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Hope, Nazi Germany, Religion, Spirituality, Viktor Frankl
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Most who lost hope thought that life had nothing more in store for them. But Frankl renewed hope not in thinkng about life having nothing more in store FOR him, but in what life was still asking OF him. Some unforeseen contribution to life or loved ones was still to be made. And this kept him going.
Life may at times bring us down and we may feel that there is nothing more to live for. But there is always something that Life is still asking of us. And who knows what our contribution is yet to be?
Holiday Blues? Get Outside Yourself. December 16, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in 12 Step Spirituality, Advent/Christmas.Tags: 12 Steps, Alcoholics Anonymous, Chrimstas, Depression, Gay, Gay Christian, Gayy Catholic, Holiday Blues, Religion, Self Help, Spirituality, The Holidays
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For those of you who might feel a little down lately, know you’re not alone. Many people get down this time of year with all the hype, romance, and hustle that this season can be. As I wrote yesterday, I too have realized that I’ve been dealing with a lot of negative thinking and need to change my thoughts.
12 Step programs have a bit of wisdom to offer those of us who feel a bit down, who wallow in self pity, or who deal with a lot of negative thinking. Get out of yourself! Many times in 12 step meetings you will hear this bit of advise given. If you’re feeling down, wallowing in self pity or in stinking thinking – go help someone. Go help another addict, another person who is struggling in some way. Get out of yourself and just go help someone. This will make you feel better.
I did just that yesterday when I visited a woman in a nursing home, who I know is lonely. When I walked in the room her face literally lit up like a Christmas tree and she hugged me tightly. She was so happy that I had come to visit, if even for a little while. I don’t know who benfitted more though. All I know is that I felt a lot better having seen her.
Feeling some holiday blues? The prescription: Get out of yourself. Take it. You’ll feel better.
I’m Coming To See You December 13, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Advent/Christmas.Tags: Advent, Christmas, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Martin the Cobbler, New Life, Queer, Religion, Sadness, Spirituality, The Holidays
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The animated Christmas movie “Martin the Cobbler” (originally a story by Leo Tolstoy) tells the story of Martin, a shoe repairman. Martin’s workshop and living space is in a basement with one window that looks out onto the street where he sees people passing by. Life has left Martin a sad, withdrawn man. His wife died at an early age, leaving him a son to raise. When the son was of age to begin helping him, he took ill and also died. Life had been difficult for Martin and he basically gives up on any belief in a good God.
One night, while reading he hears someone call his name and the voice says: “Martin look out into the street tomorrow for I will come to visit you.” The next day, Martin remembers the voice and begins to look out the window, expecting something to happen. As the day wore on, nothing much happened. But he did see a man he knew who’s shoes were worn and who was cold and hungry. Because the man was blocking the view out his window he invited him in. Noticing he was hungry, Martin gave him something to eat and noticing he was cold, he gave him an extra coat he had. The day passed and nothing extraordinary happened. At the end of the day, he noticed his Bible and he took it out, opened it and noticed the passage where it said “I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, thirsty and you gave me something to eat.” He then realized that God had indeed visited him and from then on he kept looking out the window noticing people and his sad, withdrawn life began to blossom again!
God often comes and visits us, but we don’t recognize God. Jesus in the Gospel today says that the people didn’t recognize the prophet Elijah nor do they recognize him. As a matter of fact, people oftentimes get rid of prophets! God visits us every day. Prophets are sent to us everyday. Do we see them? Perhaps we, like Martin, should look out the window of our sadness or pain today and see the One who comes to visit us in many disguises that we might be lead to newness of life!
Like a Sack o’ Bones August 22, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Death, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Hope, Life, Queer, Religion, Spirituality
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Ezekiel 37: 1-14
We continue today with the image of the possibility of new life emanating from absolute death. “My people have been saying, ‘Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost, and we are cut off.’”
We are cut off.
When I stop doing what I need to do to keep growing, I cut myself off from the Energy which gives me Life. When I begin listening to the negative thoughts in my mind, when I allow myself to be affected by another’s negative behavior, when I stop watching my thoughts, when I get stuck in thinking of the past or the future, when I stop taking care of the body temple, when I stop reading, praying and meditating, I cut myself off from a flow of Energy which gives me life and hope.
Again, we have this marvelous imagery from Ezekiel of a field of dry bones. The author even comments: “how dry these bones were!” We’re talking absolutely dead. Completely lifeless. In the words of Sophia Betrillo from The Golden Girls (God how gay am I??), “picture it! . . .” Picture yourself walking all alone in a field of dry bones and skulls as far as the eye can see. The picture would seem pretty bleak indeed.
Sometimes life is like that. You find out your partner cheated on you. Out of the blue your girlfriend, whom you’re absolutely in love with, breaks up with you. Someone you dearly love gets sick. A friend betrays you. Your husband who’s been sober for years, starts drinking again. . . . And the list goes on. Even though life can get like that sometimes, we are assured that this IS NOT THE END! New life will come!
“I will bring spirit into you, that you may come to life. . . . I will open your graves and have you rise from them!”
We always have hope. We always have hope.
Creative Depression June 9, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Balance.Tags: Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Personal Grrowth, Religion, Self Help, Spirituality
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Perhaps it is the long, slow days of summer – or at least a memory of them as such – that beckons me to this inward movement. It is a time when I feel empty of any creative energy, a feeling of being spent. There is some melancholy involved in this time, some grief – a letting go of the past and behaviors that don’t serve me well. This would indeed be depression if I stayed there, but gratefully, I don’t. If I take the time to enter into this space, it leads to a place of renewed energy and creativity. I am the type of person who does not do a lot, but what I do, I am told, is good. Perhaps I’m just a quality verses quantity type of guy?
Times of introspection, times of inward focus, if even a bit melancholy, can be the bedrock of renewed creativity. We all feel spent at times and we need to honor the movement within to somehow refuel our energy. That’s what vacations are ideally about. Unfortunately, even these, for some, become a blur of activity that leaves them feeling more exhausted than when they left.
Is there a time of slowing down and taking stock that you need? Avoiding it can be the very thing which saps our energy and keeps us in an unproductive state of depression. On the other hand, making time for this “waste of time,” may be the very thing which gives renewed energy to our working, living and loving!
