Higher Power – What A Gift! May 1, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Anxiety, Bible, Christianity, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Hope, Psalm 139, Religion, Spirituality
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I find myself of late so very grateful for my belief in a Higher Power – and that Power’s ability to do what I cannot, even changing negative circumstance into a dance! I simply do not know what I would do if I didn’t have this still point to go to in the midst of great uncertainty and difficulty. It becomes life breath to me. To have a vision of hope, even amidst great uncertainty is such a gift! To believe that unexpectedly good things can come of life’s brokenness is a gift beyond price.
I don’t understand why some things happen. If I had the power to turn back the hands of time and change some things I would – but I do not have that power. However, I do believe that there is a Power that can draw straight lines with the crookedness that befalls us. This is God’s laugh in the face of darkness. “Even night is not dark for you and the night is as clear as day” (Psalm 139). Can I believe that darkness is not dark, and that unexpected light and goodness can overcome whatever seeming darkness may befall me?
Finding Firm Ground April 30, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Anxiety, Trust.Tags: Bible, Catholicism, Christianity, Depress, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, Hope, Pain, Religion, Self Help, Self Improvement, Spirituality
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Did you ever pick up a little dog and hold it in your arms? Sometimes when you pick up a dog their paws flail in the air, until you put them down and they find firm ground.
Sometimes life is like that. Our “paws” flail in the air. We worry, obsess and seem to lack any grounding in life. My life of late has been this way as another major concern emerges. I am like a dog trying to find firm ground.
What I need to remember is this. When I feel like I’m in mid air I am being held by the One who will never let go of me. I am being held by the One who is able to take a seemingly negative, dark circumstance and bring me to a new place that I never imagined. I am in good hands and even in mid air I can find firm ground.
I am so grateful that in the midst of difficulty I have a place to go in meditation, a quiet place which whispers a word of hope: In your darkness I will never abandon you. No matter your difficulty I can use it to bring you to a new place. Trust the hands that hold you.
Nothing To Live For January 14, 2009
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Christianity, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Hope, Nazi Germany, Religion, Spirituality, Viktor Frankl
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Most who lost hope thought that life had nothing more in store for them. But Frankl renewed hope not in thinkng about life having nothing more in store FOR him, but in what life was still asking OF him. Some unforeseen contribution to life or loved ones was still to be made. And this kept him going.
Life may at times bring us down and we may feel that there is nothing more to live for. But there is always something that Life is still asking of us. And who knows what our contribution is yet to be?
Hope? What Hope? December 5, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Advent/Christmas, Hope.Tags: Advent, Christmas, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, Hope, Light, Religion, Spirituality
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I know a woman who is almost completely paralysed. She has ALS, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. She is unable to move and almost unable to communicate, yet she has full capacity of her mind. Most probably she only has a short while to live.
I think of the hope of Advent, the wonderful readings from Isaiah, the hope of life coming from death . . . And then I think of her. I wonder how she hears these words now? How would I hear them if I was in her place? I imagine at times there might be depression and anger at a God who seemingly has abandoned her. Hope? What hope?
Yet, in the end I have to believe that faith gives a whisper of hope even in such circumstances. I have to believe that somehow, in some mysterious way, there is a Power that can lift the spirit within – the same Power that overcomes addiction, that leads when we surrender, that opens doors when we thought all were closed. If we really look back at our lives, this IS our experience, isn’t it? If I can look back at various times in my life and see this Power at work, can I believe that even in this circumstance that same Power can work to calm, heal and bring peace – in some mysterious way.
I visited her yesterday. And in the midst of this situation, still able to scribble a few words, she was more interested in hearing how I was doing than in talking about herself. What amazed me was that her smile and the light in her eyes was radiant! Just that morning I had chanted a morning hymn as I regulary do and I thought of her. It said:
Let the numbed spirit now arise
Stricken with many squalid ills;
To cure our troubles, in the skies
A new star’s light the morning fills.
(Camaldolese Hermits – Big Sur CA)
Somehow, in some mysterious way, the numbed spirit can arise and light fill even the worst darkness.
Hopeless? December 2, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Advent/Christmas, Hope.Tags: Advent, December, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, GLBT, Holidays, Hope, Hopelessness, Queer, Religion, Spirituality
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Did you ever get to a point in your life where you felt that it was over? You look to your future with weary eyes and you hear a voice inside you that says “the best of life is behind you.” I have to admit that as I approach the heart of middle age – still single no less! – I battle such thinking at times.
Or, did you ever get to the point where you felt an increasing lack of hope for the world? This could easily be one such time. With the great global economic downturn, terrorism, dictators, violence and increasing poverty, it is an easy time to feel hopeless and hear the voices that say “the best is behind us.”
Yet Advent points us to a time of hope, instead of despair. And it does so not from the vantage point of a privileged ivory tower looking at us and telling us to hang in there, it’ll get better. It does so from the mess, the stuff that is sometimes our lives. Christ was not born into privilege. He was born in a shit filled, smelly stable. Christ was not born into a time of peace and tranquility. He was born in a time of great strife, oppression and political unrest. And it was into such a time that a Word of hope was whispered!
Today, I was reading Isaiah 11: 1-10, one of those great readings often read in the Advent season. I must have read this reading a hundred times and something struck me as it never has before. “A shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse, and from his roots a bud shall blossom.” The word “stump” leapt out from the page. It says a shoot shall sprout from a “STUMP.” A stump is the remains of a dead tree. And it is from this lifeless thing that new and abundant life will arise!
Suddenly I felt a gentle nudge from God. “You may think the best is behind you. You may think that the best in our world and your life is now a ruin. But hold on, for from this seeming lifelessness new life will bloom, new chapters will be written.”
“There shall be no harm or ruin on my holy mountain.”
Like a Sack o’ Bones August 22, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope.Tags: Death, Depression, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, GLBT, Hope, Life, Queer, Religion, Spirituality
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Ezekiel 37: 1-14
We continue today with the image of the possibility of new life emanating from absolute death. “My people have been saying, ‘Our bones are dried up, our hope is lost, and we are cut off.’”
We are cut off.
When I stop doing what I need to do to keep growing, I cut myself off from the Energy which gives me Life. When I begin listening to the negative thoughts in my mind, when I allow myself to be affected by another’s negative behavior, when I stop watching my thoughts, when I get stuck in thinking of the past or the future, when I stop taking care of the body temple, when I stop reading, praying and meditating, I cut myself off from a flow of Energy which gives me life and hope.
Again, we have this marvelous imagery from Ezekiel of a field of dry bones. The author even comments: “how dry these bones were!” We’re talking absolutely dead. Completely lifeless. In the words of Sophia Betrillo from The Golden Girls (God how gay am I??), “picture it! . . .” Picture yourself walking all alone in a field of dry bones and skulls as far as the eye can see. The picture would seem pretty bleak indeed.
Sometimes life is like that. You find out your partner cheated on you. Out of the blue your girlfriend, whom you’re absolutely in love with, breaks up with you. Someone you dearly love gets sick. A friend betrays you. Your husband who’s been sober for years, starts drinking again. . . . And the list goes on. Even though life can get like that sometimes, we are assured that this IS NOT THE END! New life will come!
“I will bring spirit into you, that you may come to life. . . . I will open your graves and have you rise from them!”
We always have hope. We always have hope.
Lifting Up Gay Spirits July 6, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Gay, Gay Christian, gay spirituality.Tags: Fear, Freedom, Gay, Gay Catholic, Gay Christian, gay spirituality, GLBT, Homosexuality, Hope, Queer, Religion, Spirituality
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Matthew 11: 25-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and find life burdensome, and I will refresh you.”
I will never forget the absolute relief that I felt the day I realized in my heart and in my bone marrow that I was created and loved by God as I was! That moment, sitting in a small chapel in St. Louis, praying Psalm 139 in the darkness, will be forever etched on my memory. “It was you who knit me together in my mother’s womb. . . . I thank you for the wonder of my being.”
I didn’t even realize how heavy the burden was. I didn’t realize the weight of fear that I carried on my back, having taken in messages that I was sick, sinful, an abomination and the like since childhood. What a horrible thing to do to a child! And that is what we all are, children. My burden was indeed heavy. And it saddens me that the same messages are still out there and that there continues to be many gay people walking around burdened, fearful and in terror of going to hell!
If you are one such person, know that you are not alone and that you are loved by God as you are. Look around. There are many people like you that are gay, happy and faith filled people. You CAN be gay AND have God in your life! After all, you are in God’s image. You are God’s Word spoken in time, as you are, with a mission. You are “fearfully, wonderfully made!”(Psalm 139)
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful spiritual director when I was coming out, who walked me through a process that lead me to that day in the chapel in St. Louis. Many don’t have that good fortune. And if there’s any passion that I have in this life, it is to be a help in the same way to gay people that struggle today. If you are one such person I hope that you find my blog, as well as other resources that are available, a help in lifting the burden of fear from your shoulders and gift that gives you a new lease on life.
Whoever you are, gay or straight, we all carry heavy burdens in life at times. A Power Greater Than Ourselves CAN lift those burdens. And that Power works in many different ways. The Power works through the internet crossing boundaries of language and country to bring people together. That Power works through the silence, whispering a word of hope to our hearts. And that Power works through flesh and blood, through the comfort of a human being that can help lift our burdens and free us from our fear.
I pray that all those who visit this site – whoever you are and whatever your state in life – find here a word that lifts your hearts and helps you to know . . . you are not alone.
From the Ashes the Phoenix Shall Rise May 6, 2008
Posted by theguyoutsidethewalls in Hope, Positive Thinking.Tags: gay spirituality, Grief, Homosexuality, Hope, Salvation, Spirituality, Suicide
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The phoenix is a mythical bird in ancient Phoenician mythology. The myth tells the story of a magnificent bird who, at the end of its life, builds a nest and then ignites it. The nest and the bird are reduced to ashes. . . . But from these ashes, a new phoenix emerges. This myth tells the story of death and rebirth, much like the story of the death and resurrection of the Christ. The message is this, . . . Out of the ashes, beyond any difficulty we ALWAYS have the hope of new life!
Sometimes, due to our own mistakes, or due to life circumstances, we feel that our lives are reduced to ashes. We’re going along in life and then suddenly something happens which makes us feel as if the very foundations of our lives are pulled out from under us and we are left floundering in the dust, seemingly without hope. I know this experience so well from my own childhood in a violent, alcoholic home, to the utter despair I felt as an adolescent when I drank in the messages of those “Christians” who called me an “abomination,” to deep betrayal and the like. Life is sometimes very difficult and seemingly hopeless. The fact is though, WE ALWAYS HAVE HOPE.
This is the meaning of what it means to be “saved” and “redeemed.” We always have hope. Any difficult circumstance can lead to the birth of something new in our lives that we may not have before imagined. For those of us who believe in a life to come, even death is not an end, but a transition to a reality beyond our imagining. In the midst of the ashes we won’t “feel” this hope at all. But if we just “do” what we need to, to deal well with this circumstance, if we walk through it and not around it, slowly we will see the phoenix rising from the ashes and a new chapter in life will emerge!
The brother of one of my High School friends killed himself years ago all because his girlfriend broke up with him, perhaps due to a mistake that he made. This was a very good looking, bright, talented young man, only 21 years old with the rest of his life ahead of him! He easily could have found new love and I’m sure would have done very well in life. If he just could have held on, just walked one day, one moment at a time through the pain, I dare say, that soon he would have begun to see the phoenix rising from these seemingly hopeless ashes.
Life is NEVER without hope. We just need to look to the good and keep our thoughts focused there. Then slowly, ever so slowly, one day we will wake up . . . and the ashes of our despair will seem like a distant memory.
