Tag Archives: Sex



We all chase after it, in one way or another. We somehow expect that in this life we will find total fulfillment and happiness whether it be through our spouse/partner, that “perfect someone,” through our work, our house, our car, friends, our children, our church, synagogue, temple or mosque, our guru – our favorite self help writer, our minister, priest and the like. Somehow all of us expect perfect happiness on this side of life, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Think about it. We place high expectations on our boyfriend/girlfriend, our spouse, friends, spiritual path, church and even ourselves to bring us happiness and fulfillment. Somehow we expect that one day we will arrive, we will find perfect serenity, perfect consummation, perfect happiness – the perfect orgasm through one of these means.

We all feel a fundamental sense of disconnection – from our Source and from one another.. And this very incompletion makes us continually reach beyond ourselves to find completion, be it in a person, place, thing or philosophy/spirituality. And this is good. But the sooner we realize that none of this will EVER make us FULLY complete, connected, happy, etc – the more peaceful we will ultimately be. Our expectations of one another, our spouses, of possessions and even of our spiritual path become realistic.

Ronald Rolheiser, in his book The Holy Longing: The Search for A Christian Spirituality, has a great chapter on sexuality – this Divine energy which drives us to seek completion and fulfillment outside of ourselves because we all feel a sense of incompletion. Yet, he says, the truth is, we all live with the “frustration of a lifelong, unfinished symphony” (c.f. p.205ff). On this side of life we will never find the perfect orgasm, the perfect person, or constantly live in a state of total fulfillment. The good news is, the sooner we accept this, the sooner we will stop expecting people or things to bring us the total fulfillment that only Divine fulfillment can. And, consequently, the happier we will be. Much pain and sadness in life comes from disappointment born of dashed expectations that this person or thing will completely fulfill us.

So face it, we’re never going to have the perfect orgasm. Ironically, when we realize this, the more connected and fulfilled we will feel.


OK, now that I have your attention . . .

It’s true. I really do want lots of sex – but not just the hot, passionate, genital kind.

I’m re-reading a book by Ron Rolheiser called The Holy Longing: The Search For a Christian Spirituality. In it, he has a great chapter on sexuality. I’d like to quote one of his definitions of sexuality:

“Sexuality is an all encompassing energy inside of us. In one sense, it is identifiable with the principle of life itself. It is the drive for love, communion, community, friendship, family, affection, wholeness, consummation, creativity, self-perpetuation, immortality, joy, delight, humor and self-transcendence (p.194).”

That’s the kinda sex I want! It’s about being connected on a wide variety of levels. It’s about connection and creativity, about living life fully!

I find that some, even me (yes me, can you believe it?? LOL!) collapse the totality of what sexuality is into simply its genital expression. Over indulgence in porn or sex has the potential of actually sapping our life energy, instead of adding to it. It can leave us empty and only half a person. Instead of feeling more connected to life, we can end up feeling separate and alone. Ultimately we seek connection – that sense of eternity and wholeness we once had before we were born into this physical universe. And on this side of life, we seek and find this wholeness in creative energies, art, music, friendship, family, solitude, life giving work and self giving love. It is when I am balanced on lots of these levels that I feel the most whole and horny – in a healthy, life giving way.

So I say, bring it on baby! That’s the kinda sex I want – and I want LOTS of it!

What’s Really My “God?”

At times I think we all worship at the altars of false gods that fail to satisfy. These can be money, things, possessions, sex, the pursuit of a lover, power, prestige, etc. We all at times worship false gods. All of the above are not bad in and of themselves if they are in perspective and held for good use. But sometimes what happens is that these things, among others, become the focus of our lives. At these times we begin to worship false gods.

Today we might take some time to put things in perspective and think about what REALLY gives us a sense of satisfaction? When I am choosing to be there for others, when I am choosing to live in good ways, when I am thinking in positive ways instead of negative, when I choose compassion and kindness even when my mood is bad, when I respond instead of react . . . then I have an inner sense of peace and well being. Again, like yesterday, I think we are reminded to ask ourselves the question, what is the “kingdom,” what is the legacy that we are building in our lives? When all is said and done, how do I want to be remembered?

Unbridled Passion

Remember a time in your life when your passions were running amuck? Remember when you used to stay out too late, drink too much and could barely remember the name of the person or persons you had sex with the night before? Remember a time when you just ran after pleasure, any way you could get it? Perhaps you are one who has been blessed not to have gone through such a time. Or perhaps, like a lot of us, we are still tempted and, at times, run after pleasure only to find ourselves empty once again.

Passion is a good thing! But unbridled passion leads to emptiness. Part of being free is having the ability to make good choices which lead us to good places in life. Paul puts it this way. His word “flesh” I would translate as unbridled passion. “It is obvious what proceeds from the flesh: lewd conduct, impurity, idolatry, rage, envy, drunkenness, orgies, bickering . . .” (See Galatians 5: 18-25)

And believe me, I’m no prude! Been there. Done that. And still do at times! But think back to a time when your incessant search for happiness was focused purely in people, places or things began to drive you, instead of you driving it. Were you REALLY happy? I don’t find myself happy when my passion is running every which way. However, when I am focused and doing what I need to stay that way, I am much more peaceful, happy and serene. Life might not be very “exciting” but it’s good, really good!

“The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patient endurance, kindness . . .” (See Galatians 5: 18-25)

Heavenly Sex – On My Back, Wide Open

“‘Go out and stand on the mountain; God will be passing by.’
A strong wind came and crushed rocks, but God was not in the wind.

After that there was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake.

After the earthquake there was a fire, but God was not in the fire.

After the fire there was a tiny whisper – complete silence – and then Elijah, knowing that it was God, went and stood at the mouth of the cave.” See 1Kings 19: 9, 11-13

As I get older, there is no question in my mind that it is in the silence that I am most completely myself! It is in silence that I feel most energized and connected. I not only feel connected with the Divine, but I feel most intimately connected with those that I love when I am in silence.  When I have gone away to enter the silence, while meditating or at night, looking up at the stars, I would feel a mystical and very intimate connection with those who were thousands of miles away from me. Is it only me, or is there great intimacy to be found in the silence?

I suppose we’re all different and find our intimate connections, both human and Divine in various ways. For me, the silence becomes the place which is most intimate, most energizing. There is a pregnancy that I feel in the silence – limitless possibility. When I am there I feel like I am making love. I am no longer separate, but connected at the deepest places within myself, with creation, the Divine and those I love. For two or three hours at a stretch I just sit, doing nothing but looking at the ocean, the mountains and the stars, and in those moments I feel the cells of my body vibrating in intimate unity with the Universe. I am completely open and give myself over to this Love without fear. I allow myself to be freely and fully penetrated. And in the rhythm of our love making I feel his strength and his gentleness as he fills me.

Yet I am not spent in this love making, I am not diminished. I walk away renewed, energized with life, pregnant with tomorrow’s possibility.

Sex and God Together? – Let’s Do It!

I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that seems to go on for days. I dreamed that I went to a retreat center to get away. I discovered, much to my surprise (and maybe delight?) that through a set of doors in the retreat center was a porn shop filled with pornographic movies, toys etc. I was shocked! As my retreat went on, it’s like the other people there on retreat were oblivious to the fact that through that set of doors was a porn shop! I also discovered that the retreat center was run by a group of gay guys. I got to know them over time and they were the most wonderful group of guys; kind, generous, spiritual and integrated. Perhaps this pointed to the real desire to connect with other gay men who are into spirituality. Perhaps I also had this dream because last night I watched a program on Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel. Naked bodies all over the place! Adam, so wonderfully magnificent, his body and beautiful face stretched with longing – reaching for the hand of God. I remember being there in person some years ago and feeling a sense of sexual – spiritual integration in the presence of this masterpiece where naked sexuality was brought in harmony with the Divine!

I hope that my dream was an indication of my sexual – spiritual integration; or perhaps it was pointing to a need for further integration. Whatever the case, I awoke thinking about sexuality and spirituality. For many people they are separated, at two opposite poles of experience and never the twain shall meet! This I believe causes problems and ironically feeds the porn industry. If we were more sexually/spiritually integrated we would have less desire for porn. Believe me, I’ve been there, done that, but I believe a great use of pornography both points to and develops within us an affective disconnect and a lack of sexual integration. The ego wants more and more images, but over time I believe it removes us from the connection that we are ultimately seeking. The same goes for promiscuous sex. There is a passion in sex; but if this energy is dispersed all over the place, without the under girding presence of spiritual/interpersonal connection, passion dissipates. At least this is my experience. Again, believe me, I am no prude – but I know when my sexual energy is lacking integration and too dissipated and when it is not. And I wonder if many of us in the gay and straight worlds short circuit this deep sense of connection by chasing it in porn and random sexual experience.

Sexuality is a spark of the Divine within us and need not be separated, but integrated. There is a wholesome energy that I feel when I am sexually/spiritually integrated. Can we begin to think of our sexuality and our bodies as sacred? Instead of keeping these two aspects of our lives at opposite poles or overemphasizing one aspect or the other, can we begin to integrate them? Sexuality and Spirituality are not two separate energies that are opposed to one another, but one energy. I sometimes pray and meditate naked and these have been profoundly integrating experiences. As I meditate I breathe through my brain right down to my genitals. If I am not able to feel my breath go all the way down, I know I am blocked somewhere. When I am able to breath through the core of my body and feel my head, my heart, my torso and my genitals all connected, then I know that I am in a place of integration. It might sound crazy to you, but try it. Get to know your body/spirit and, like Michelangelo’s masterpiece, come naked before the Divine.